Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
