My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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