"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
