Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
