If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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