I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Randomize
