now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
