Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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