i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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