If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
