You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I don't deserve a penis
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
