I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
