In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We were destined to go to rehab together
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Drake has all the answers
Randomize