I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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