I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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