1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
