My Higher Power is John Stamos
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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