The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
