she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
