You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
