I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
