i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
