My cat gives me a boner
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm like, not good at living.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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