You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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