If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
