Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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