Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
