Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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