did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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