She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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