I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
