Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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