my phone needs a breathalizer
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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