I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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