take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
