Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
