I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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