So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
