You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
