I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
