Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
