Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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