hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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