I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
