I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize