so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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