Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
