Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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