I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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