Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
