She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
