i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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