i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Too much gin, very little bucket
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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