New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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