i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize