don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
