i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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