He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
