Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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