she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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