I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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