sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize