First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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